Always a bridesmaid...

The contents of this post have been rattling around in my brain for a while--being a single Christian twenty-something. I had written down my thoughts about it and then the next day I had a really great discussion about it with my roomie. I took it as God's urging for me to post it, not because I am begging for compliments or for you to tell me that everything is going to be ok, but because I need to acknowledge that this is a real struggle and sin in my life.

This is a hard thing for me to write about because I don't like that I struggle with it. I have always been pretty proud of how independent I am and what I can do on my own. Psh, I don't need a boyfriend! I was raised on a farm, I have an awesome work ethic, I don't need anyone, look at me, opening that jar all by myself!

Then the weddings started to happen. I have always been so happy for my friends and I have loved getting to see them marry the person they have longed for and dreamed about! And I remained proud to be the exception to the rule, that I could be an independent girl, one of the few who left Dordt unmarried!

Then the weddings continued to happen. And now the babies are happening.

And here I am, still the "independent" one.

Except I don't want to be that independent one anymore. I want to be the one who gets to marry the guy I've been longing for and dreaming about. Being a single 24 year old Christian woman is harder than I thought it would be. I don't know where I'm going to live in a few months, I barely have enough money to buy groceries, my car breaks down often and I have no alternative modes of transportation, and there are times where I am simply lonely.

It's not something I talk about often because who wants to hear the single girl be sad when there are more weddings to celebrate and babies to coo over? Nor do I want to be the girl who is pitied because she is "always a bridesmaid, never a bride!" (Terrible, terrible phrase, by the way.) But nonetheless, the feelings exist and the more engagements that happen, the more I look at myself and wonder if I am destined to be a cat lady.

Then I remember something. I remember God sent His son to die on the cross for me. God loves us far more perfectly and deeply than any human being could every muster. That He wants me to love Him more than anything else, to love Him as He loves me. Do I? Do I really loved God in the way I should? That should be my first and foremost priority and it definitely is not always the case. 

There is a quote from an article I read about being a single Christian woman that has stuck with me. The writer says, "I learned that it’s not bad to pray for a husband, but that my greater prayer should be for God to spend my life as He chooses for His glory."

Like a smack in the face. My purpose on this earth is to bring honor and glory to God. Right now that is through teaching His children in Pittsburgh. Will it be through marriage? I don't know. But I need to trust that the Lord will use my life how He sees fit. This isn't an easy thing to swallow, since my idea for my life hasn't always matched up to God's entirely. But I keep reminding myself that I am not living for this world. I am living for God and I am looking forward to eternity with my Savior! This is a great reminder to each of us, no matter what we each struggle with.

Satan loves to use our weaknesses to detract from our relationship with Christ. Every time I'm on Facebook and I see another baby announcement or engagement, I can feel myself doubting God and His plans for me, getting upset with Him, and becoming envious of the blessings my friends have received. Jeremiah 29:11 often pops to mind at these times, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Whenever I get envious or upset, I am blocked from seeing all the good things the Lord has put in my life, and there is so much good! God doesn't want me to sit and feel sad for myself, He wants me to cling to Him and trust Him for all that I need.

Whatever the Lord has planned for my future, I am excited for. I continue to pray that it may be marriage, but if it isn't, I look forward to however He decides to use me and continue to work on completely trusting Him. God's will be done!