Always a bridesmaid...

The contents of this post have been rattling around in my brain for a while--being a single Christian twenty-something. I had written down my thoughts about it and then the next day I had a really great discussion about it with my roomie. I took it as God's urging for me to post it, not because I am begging for compliments or for you to tell me that everything is going to be ok, but because I need to acknowledge that this is a real struggle and sin in my life.

This is a hard thing for me to write about because I don't like that I struggle with it. I have always been pretty proud of how independent I am and what I can do on my own. Psh, I don't need a boyfriend! I was raised on a farm, I have an awesome work ethic, I don't need anyone, look at me, opening that jar all by myself!

Then the weddings started to happen. I have always been so happy for my friends and I have loved getting to see them marry the person they have longed for and dreamed about! And I remained proud to be the exception to the rule, that I could be an independent girl, one of the few who left Dordt unmarried!

Then the weddings continued to happen. And now the babies are happening.

And here I am, still the "independent" one.

Except I don't want to be that independent one anymore. I want to be the one who gets to marry the guy I've been longing for and dreaming about. Being a single 24 year old Christian woman is harder than I thought it would be. I don't know where I'm going to live in a few months, I barely have enough money to buy groceries, my car breaks down often and I have no alternative modes of transportation, and there are times where I am simply lonely.

It's not something I talk about often because who wants to hear the single girl be sad when there are more weddings to celebrate and babies to coo over? Nor do I want to be the girl who is pitied because she is "always a bridesmaid, never a bride!" (Terrible, terrible phrase, by the way.) But nonetheless, the feelings exist and the more engagements that happen, the more I look at myself and wonder if I am destined to be a cat lady.

Then I remember something. I remember God sent His son to die on the cross for me. God loves us far more perfectly and deeply than any human being could every muster. That He wants me to love Him more than anything else, to love Him as He loves me. Do I? Do I really loved God in the way I should? That should be my first and foremost priority and it definitely is not always the case. 

There is a quote from an article I read about being a single Christian woman that has stuck with me. The writer says, "I learned that it’s not bad to pray for a husband, but that my greater prayer should be for God to spend my life as He chooses for His glory."

Like a smack in the face. My purpose on this earth is to bring honor and glory to God. Right now that is through teaching His children in Pittsburgh. Will it be through marriage? I don't know. But I need to trust that the Lord will use my life how He sees fit. This isn't an easy thing to swallow, since my idea for my life hasn't always matched up to God's entirely. But I keep reminding myself that I am not living for this world. I am living for God and I am looking forward to eternity with my Savior! This is a great reminder to each of us, no matter what we each struggle with.

Satan loves to use our weaknesses to detract from our relationship with Christ. Every time I'm on Facebook and I see another baby announcement or engagement, I can feel myself doubting God and His plans for me, getting upset with Him, and becoming envious of the blessings my friends have received. Jeremiah 29:11 often pops to mind at these times, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Whenever I get envious or upset, I am blocked from seeing all the good things the Lord has put in my life, and there is so much good! God doesn't want me to sit and feel sad for myself, He wants me to cling to Him and trust Him for all that I need.

Whatever the Lord has planned for my future, I am excited for. I continue to pray that it may be marriage, but if it isn't, I look forward to however He decides to use me and continue to work on completely trusting Him. God's will be done!

FAQ

My first real post back is an update! Here are some frequently asked questions I receive from people:

Where are you living now a days?
In Pittsburgh! I now live in the city on the Northside which, crazy enough, is called that because it is the north side of the city! It is a definite change from the eastern suburbs where I was, but I have really liked it! I must say I am becoming more and more of a city person. Or I like to think I am. I still geek out like a tourist when I'm downtown. Probably not the coolest "city person" thing to do...

With who, may I ask?
I now live with two girls my age. I have mutual friends with one of them, which was how we were connected as one girl who needed another roommate and one girl who needed a place to live! They are way cooler than I am, but still seem to like me, so that's good! 

Are you still teaching at the same school?
Indeed! I am in the middle of my third year (whaaaat?!) of teaching 2nd grade. I still love it so, so much! My school and kiddos rock :)

Any plans of heading back to the Midwest?
I have literally no idea what my future plans are. I have been taking each year as it comes, working to follow God's leading. At the moment I am really enjoying where I am at. Not sure what God has in store for me, but I'm working and learning to simply trust.

How have you been since Julia moved away?
I cry every night into my pillow and sleep with her picture.

Not really. Though I do miss her and her husband Peter like crazy! I will admit it was rough at first to "start" again on my own, but God has really provided for me in ways I could have never predicted. Though nothing will ever really compare to living with your best friend for 2 years.

I think that hits all the major bullet points. I can really sum it all up with this--I continue to be blessed far more than I ever deserve! Even on the tough days, I have to remember how God has brought me here, exactly where He wants, to do something I love to do. So very awesome!

I'm baaaaack!

I just couldn't stay away. I've been thinking about this blog for a while and talked to a few people and have decided to start blogging again. Not that my thoughts or life are anything crazy exciting or special, but I realized it made me reflect and think. I liked that!

So, alas, I return. Of course I'll talk about my kiddos, (they're quite a hoot this year!) but I am also challenging myself to be more open and honest about the hard stuff too. Then there are always the ridiculous moments of my life because it's me.

Have I bored you yet? You still with me?

If so, thanks for reading. I know everyone and their brother and their uncle's cat has a blog these days. But I so enjoy reading my friends' blogs so I hope you can enjoy reading mine too. Life has changed quite a bit since I've last written and I look forward to sharing what God has been doing!